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| what have i done? have i made a mistake by following my head instead of my heart? but it was my heart directing me too. but it was just a tug of war within me....me, or jed. i hardly even know anymore. who can ever know what i have done.
i was glancing over one of my first journals tonight and i was just as occupied and torn with keven white then as i am with jed now. is this what i do? am i the girl that always has to have the boy no matter what? am i really like ethan said that one time when we were on the beach? would i stay even if the boy beat me? am i the girl who will always be looking to someone else, pointing her energies to someone or something else so i don't have to just sit with myself, to remain unmoving and see what and who i am? (and yet, even still, there is a certain drawing in those words at the end of the statement "who i am". who am i? i'd like to know) well, that's that perspective of it. but we could also twist it like i am the girl who is just so loyal, so dedicated to her relationships that she vows in the depths of her heart to never leave them, to never be done with them even if she is gone in body. and loyalty is one of my traits. i'm fiercely loyal, not just with guys, but with girls too. not just with people but with sports teams(woo Pittsburgh sports), with my jobs, with my family, with my trails on the eno, with lots of stuff. with people, at some point, i create a covenant in my heart and i sign my name to it, sign my soul to it. dedication runs fierce within me. the good intentions are always there whether i follow through or not.
how can one know oneself? how can one ever comprehend the impact, the far (or short) reach of one's actions?
this is how i know i've been slipping into cruise control, a blah of a life: i don't feel many emotions. i do not cry at night. i do not feel sad, nor especially happy. just an increase in disrespect and lack of control over my tongue.
it is so much easier to talk with conviction about accepting where one's at than actually carrying out the act. when i see all the areas i have been slipping it is naturally easy to hold myself in disapproval. and yet....and yet....i find self acceptance growing like a warm haze within me.
i feel so torn by the slow process of time taking it's time with me.
and yet, as there is so much deadness, my hope has turned into sureness that something new is growing in me. heh, what if my lack of grasp on this new chapter is the very thing that protects the good work growing within and from it? wouldn't that be a laugh? | | |
| ok, so i am a little tipsy(because wine on a summer evening is good), but i'm listening to the Into the Wild soundtrack and it makes me think of one of two things these days...september days with kelly and bein with robbie in oklahoma. so i'm thinkin of robbie and i'm runnin through all the most awesome things ever possibly imagined we might do and then it hits me, *smack*, shit, robbie's comin to see me....hell yeah!!
hahahaha, dude, i cannot wait to be the best hostess ever to him, we'll go hikin on all the best trails, fresh cooked food every night, camping, god knows what adventures, swimming, and overall i'm looking forward to this from the depths of my soul. *smile* *grin* heh heeeh, alllllright. | | |
| ok, so i know this sounds strange but one of my favorite things is when i am cooking with vegetables and i have alot of vegetable waste. it just fills my soul somehow, it pleases me. | | |
| Jed - You taught me how to hope in many ways. You taught me how to hope for what I wanted. You taught me how to hope for a boy. You taught me how to fly on the wings of hope and create love. Now you've taught me how to hope for something more. I love you still, do you understand how hard it is to walk away from a love still living? But I do it because i believe there is more, I hope being in love has goodness to offer. This bitter fruit has been my meal for long enough. I cleanse my soul with singleness and self-appreciation and then i move on. Could you not have tried a little harder? | | |
| today i had a crippling blow....found out my job situation was not as i had thought after all, and in my first instant i had free, i called kelly. pure instinct. she is the only one i will honestly relate the details to, and i thought "this says something"
there is something kind of sad about texting a guy and calling your period "things working out lovely".
i cried when watching Rambo. god periods are ridiculous.
i felt humiliated today when i found out i had jumped the gun, taken words too far, and didn't actually have the job. i felt distressed, my debt is mounting. and i felt i wanted to be alone in it. i wrote in my journal "Isn't it enough that i stop and take a moment to feel the effects of the event, and keep going? why does anyone else have to do this too? 'just leave me alone and keep being my family as i keep moving!' i want to say." and then i realized...sharing things is part of being a family. i share my joys and successes for my sake, they listen and become a part of it and by doing so multiply the goodness of it. but when i share the badness, the things that embarrass, the flaws of me, the things i want to hide, i do it because it is fair to do so. it is fair to them. let us dissect the many ways it is fair. first of all, for the sake of balance it is fair, you share the good and bad. no one who truly cares wants to hear just the good things. secondly, it gives them an honest idea of me. thirdly, they care about me and want to know me and know what goes on with me just out of concern. can you think of any other ways??
as the saying goes, "Ohana means family."
and like kelly and i concluded two Christmas's ago, "family is always there through everything, even when we don't like them or they don't like us. they don't go away." that in and of itself earns them the the privlege to know us, no? | | |
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